To a former friend.

It doesn't surprise me the fact you betrayed me.  Truth to be told I've kinda always expected, maybe I didn't want to believe my inner voice, the deepest and most truthful voice there can ever be to my ears, my heart's.  Fact is, I sort of always know what is going to happen and I did know you were going to go there.  That's fine.  You didn't expect, though, that I'm no stupid.  I'm good, oh yes, that's true I'm a pure soul, a love soul and I tend to believe in humans.  I do that, I really do.  I always search for the most beautiful part in people because maybe that will make up for their dark side.  Some people have a really really dark side, still, the shine in their qualities will always cover up their darkness.  Don't think I hate you, I don't.  I no longer care.  I've learned from you, learned to be cold and to calculate every risk of everything I do, I mean things might go wrong but once you've calculated the odds they won't completely get out of control.  Observe.  Watch.  Calculate.  Be a little aware that people might go and betray.  Nothing hurts as much as betrayal and I've learned that's one of the things I need to learn to forgive in this life.  I will be betrayed.  It's up to me to decide whether I'll be stuck on it or move on.  You were once very valid to me.  Helped me through my weak moments, pushed me forward and mostly reminded me of how great I am.  Sometimes I feel as if you felt you are not as good as I am, which is not true.  We're different.  You've taught me to see people will always have their intentions behind anything they give you, also that you are this kind of people.  The kind of people that doesn't just simply do things for doing, you do it to gain something out of it.  That's just the way you are.  It doesn't surprise me that you know how to deal with those you always complained or said were so bad to you, you're like them.  I aksed myself a few times: "how does he make it?" It is a matter of affinity.  You certainly are alike at some level or point.  And I probably was too, we're never at the wrong place, we're at places where we have affinity, somehow we connect, somehow we are tuned.  So no, it doesn't surprise me the fact you've betrayed me nor does the fact you continue to constantly try to sabotage my success, I mean, at some point I knew.  I just hope you know you meant something to me and at some point you were very very important.  Do I behold anger? Do I behold bad feelings?  No, that'll only keep me stuck.  It's time to move on to a new phase of my life, a phase I've hardly worked for.  Don't worry I will always keep the good of you.  This will be past my way, I forgive all you've done to me, I forgive the loyalty you lacked, the evil plans you put together to break me, that's fine, because that is nothing beyond yourself.  I shall not forget though.  Does it surprise me the fact you are dying inside?  Does it surprise me you are expressing your sadness in a mean way? No, that's just who you are and I don't judge you for this.  Something does surprise me though, the fact you not only were caught off guard when I jumped out of the boat or that I was ready with something better within my reach.  It does surprise me that after all you've seen of me, after all you've taught me, after all you've shown me and mostly after knowing that betrayal will change my soft and kind heart into a cold, I'd say, iced piece of weapon you expected me to remain blunt, thinking that making me feel bad would make me shut up.  So yes, the fact you've underestimated me and my potential flamming anger does surprise me.  In fact, it astonishes the ish out of me to know that you thought you could always predict what my reactions would be.  You're wrong.  And if it's fire that you want, come, but come ready cuz I'm burning in anger and will for justice to seriously remind you that I definitely am more than you've ever seen in your life.  Bring it, bitch. Bring it for real!

G.A.

The Power of Will

For these past days I've been a witness of that whole "will power", some call it power of thought.  The more I wish things, the more I see all the power is within me to achieve things.  When I say "witness of seeing a wish come true" I mean it, I mean seeing the world move towards a direction that eventually takes me where I believe I want to go.  It's amazing.  It keeps me tuned in faith, when I say faith I mean belief in something bigger than me or us that can lead a good, sincere heart onto the direction of happiness.  Then you think, "wow, that's so nice she knows where she's going" and there's exactly where the trick lies within: I don't.

The more I wish, the more I realize I don't know what I want.  I've seen things get accomplished by me, through me, in front of me but not within me.  It doesn't matter what you wish for, it surely won't fill the gap within.  Nothing that is outside will take pain away, or blow hope within. Nothing. 

Don't take this as a complaint or a melancholic discovery. Nope.  It is only a discovery.  A precious discovery I was able to make by the age of 20, which means I'm in time to change so many things.  It's magical to know that wishes will come true, faith will work out and that a good will can do everything I don't know how to.  I might not know where exactly I'm going, but I'm finding things out in the way and as my heart strongly holds on to positive thinking, positive attitudes, positive everything... I'm tracing a positive road for sure.

It's funny how our eyes can disguise us, many times as I look to things that have no utility at all for me, I feel tempted to have them, or to be like them.  Silly eyes of mine, get impressed with nearly any/ every beautiful piece of image they get the sight of.  Ridiculous.  The real challenge is to not let the eyes disguise the heart, or make the mind feel as if it really needed something that in fact is completely useless... Now I understand why some people go crazy over shopping, for a moment if you don't stop to analyse yourself you really get to believe that having something will help you get anywhere, when in reality it won't change anything but your credit card bill that might exceed the limit, again.

I'm the kind of girl that simply admires beauty.  It doesn't matter where it is, I spot it, I admire it, I appreciate it... I like beauty and I find it in nearly everything/one.  Seriously, I see beauty in things people simply see no fun at all...When I say beauty I don't mean the cold sold-out concept we see everywhere, I mean beauty itself.  But that's another blog...

...there's another beautiful discovery I accidentally made today, Sade has got a new album.  Like, February 2010 new... I'm so full of joy.  She's the picture of beauty.  Beautiful songs, beautiful speech, beautiful pose, beautiful show... seriously, she's the picture of beautiful to me.

Anyways...

G. A.

Colors

As I get older I realize, everyday more, writing is part of me, or I'd say part of what I need to feel good with myself.  I don't really like to expose my ideas to people openly, I don't enjoy exposing myself to people day-by-day but when the night comes I feel like I need to put it all out, as if I need to give myself a brief opportunity to share what's within. The questions is with whom.  As I got older I realized maybe a diary could help, why not a blog then?  And that's how it's been since I've felt this urge to write, I constantly build and destroy my blogs. I'm always re-giving myself the opportunity of sharing my thoughts and when my mind believes there is more than enough of me exposed I go and give myself the opportunity of going blank, I erase.

Nowadays, there is just about too many things I don't agree with in the world, way too many things that bother me and which I can't comprehend.  I'm a dreamer.  I'm a believer.  I dream and I believe.  I'm a little naive with certain things and growing up has shown me life is not always good, or fair as people would say.  I remember clearly that a few years ago, when I looked to the outside world I used to see the good in everyone, the good in all.  I used to believe everybody was nice, that nothing could or would go wrong.  It was all colorful.  Now, all I see is gray.  Somewhere along the road things lost their colors, or maybe I left it at some point.  I'm no longer a child and I've never imagined I'd think this kinda sucks.  It doesn't really suck.  


Where are all those colors I used to see in things tho?  They were naturally there, and now, I just feel that if I don't paint them they'll remain gray, forever.  I must paint my world, is that it?  Why is everything so colorless?  Actually it's like I can naturally see less colors, or a bad combination of colors.  Am I seeing wrong?  Is it something with my eyes?  


I'm looking forward into seeing life more colorful, I'm hoping I'll see a more colorful world, even if I have to put my own colors to it.  If that's what growing up does to us, okay, I'll do what I got to do hoping I can do it in a way other people can see and feel the same joy I do when I put colors into life.  May life allow me to color other people's lives just as I color mine, because I don't know how to live in a gray world, I can't live in a gray world...


I will NOT live in a gray world...


I will not, really.