Following Through

After being in an emotionless relationship for one year I met this unique man.  Yes, I wrote about it.  That wasn't me though, it was my spoiled-little girl side.  Now it's the grown woman in me speaking.  So, he's not the type of guy you'd think is tough.  He looks like a young boy, he jokes as a young boy, but he is a man.  He'll be my man.  It's was crazy.  What we got is crazy.  Great connection, deep conversations, we can feel each other.  It's like, I can look at him and know exactly what he has to say or I can sense from far he's not ok.  It's deep.  I don't need to say anything else.  It's just perfect. However, he is 21 years-old and so am I.  He said he'd marry me, I know he would because that's just how it feels.  Feels as if I could spend the rest of my life with him.  We laugh hard together, we talk serious, we admire each other and we want to be together.

About two years ago, at the same time of the year I fell in love.  I don't know if it was love or just an infatuation.  The thing is, I'm intense.  I feel things deeply and to the tip of my toes.  At that time though, the situation was different.  Dude didn't like me, dude liked who I was, how I was and the way I was phisically.  Making things short, I went through a very defying situation where I ended up extremely hurt and I didn't know how to deal with it.  I broke up with that nigga, but still I was broken inside. Dude lied, dude used me, dude left me hanging and at that time I had no one to count on. I was lost. So when this guy came around, bringing me some emotions I hadn't felt in a year of serious relationship, I got worried.  Everything we did had no limits, we put no limits to each other, we were going fast and forgot to stop and think where exaclty we wanted to get to.  We 21 though, we can do shit like that. And I don't blame any of us because all we did, we did with the heart and no intention of hurting each other even though throughout the way we had sensed something was coming at us.  We called it: probation.  We thought we were living a probation time, both of us kind of suffered somehow while together, some agony, some anxiety that we couldn't explain.  We felt something was going to come and break us apart, and we called it: probation.  We thought we were living a probation.  Never had we ocurred it hadn't even started. 

We had many conversations about us, they were all very meaninful.  Until one day, at our most perfect moment we had our first and only fight.  Boom, just like that.  I know he lied, I know I put some pressure in him.  I take reponsibility for my share and I think he does for his.  It was our end.  I put an end to us.  He needed that and didn't know how to do it.  So I did it.  My heart told me to do it.  And now we're apart.  Ask me why and I'll say it just isn't the time for us.  We had a glimpse of what we can possibly live in the future, and period.  I did some stuff that hurt him, he said some stuff that hurt me but still we can't be mad at each other.  I generally kill my ex-boyfriends, affairs, whatever you want to call it, but him? Oh no, I can't.  He helps me to find peace when I don't know how to.  I was hurt he said he couldn't be with me right now.  He said to my face he had no infatuation for me, what he feels is love, but right now he ain't down to live it.  And I was mad, thinking he had to explain why and whatever and he doesn't have.  It's enough.  He's honest.  He said he can't give me what I deserve right now, he doesn't want to lose or spoil what we have, so he prefer us to be apart.  At the same time, I need this.  I need air.  I was in a relationship for one year.  I need to remind myself of who I am when I'm single. So, now I think is the real probation. 

I mean, I said I was going to forget but my heart won't allow me.  I don't want to.  He's much of a man.  I mean, he had the nerve of saying he couldn't be there for me so he prefered to not be there at all.  I can't define.  I mean, we're friends, we talk from time to time and we're not together.  I was hurt, but now I'm ok.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to wait, or if I wanted to move on but it's not a matter of choosing.  I'm going wherever my heart takes me, even if that means I'll get hurt at the end.  I mean, I'll do what I believe is the most truthful to myself.  This man showed me so much in so little. I know it's not only him, it's me too.  This is pushing me so much forward.  Yes, I cried night after night, I still cry sometimes but I'm learning so much.  Learning there's no right or wrong.  I was scared I'd b juged by people for simply putting out there how I feel for someone new or for the fact I let someone hold my hand and introduce me to hell and heaven saying I was his.  Shoot, don't I want to be his.  At this moment I'm at peace, know why? Because it doesn't matter what happens, the real challenge is to believe my heart and do whatever it tells me to do.  The consequences out of that will be the ones I need to go through.  Doesn't matter if bad or good, if I do what my heart tells me, at the end of it all I'll be fine.

Today I talked to him, and I could feel in his voice how tired he is.  Tired of dealing with my lack of trust and understanding.  I really do that sometimes.  Still, he understands me.  I'll be more understanding from today on.  I could sense in his voice he doesn't want to hurt me and how good it felt when he said he also feels the way I feel for him, except the infatuation. Which is not serious. 

Now I count on patience and faith.  Faith that my heart will take me where I want to get to.  I won't pray to God to bring him to me, I'll pray to be at peace and joy at all times.  Whether that's with him or not, I don't mind.  I just want to be at peace with myself, at peace with my heart.

I decided I'll fight for him, but not fight.  I'll be open in case things decide to move that way, in case my heart tells me to call him, or message him I won't be really wondering how that would make me look... I'm strong enough to deal with my choices and I know my heart won't disguise me.

If I have to go through it, I will, but I will do it with my heart, my body and soul because that's the only way I know how to do things.  If I have to go through it, I will do it at my best, because afterall something good has to come out of it.  Maybe a beautiful love story, maybe a fantastic friendship, maybe, just maybe a more grown and mature Gii, because that's how I already feel.  I feel as if I'm again having a re-birth moment.  That's me, I have a re-birth moment every now and then.

So now watch me on my saga to make this man, mine!

And I will.

What you won't do, do for love?

It's Saturday night, for some reason I'm at home thinking I'd be going to bed soon when a friend comes with a song suggestion: Bobby Caldwell - "What you won't do, do for love" - and I was like 'whoa'. At this point? Please.  I mean ok, let me start from the beggining.

Few months ago I fell in love, yes, again. I mean, if you know me, you know I shall fall in love many many times in my life.  At least I already know that.  Each and everytime it happens it feels different, it makes me feel different.  This time, wow. Again, let me go back to the beggining.

After being in a relationship for almost a year I had decided I was only going to enjoy life and do things different.  My ex broke up with me because I had no strenght to.  I mean, I had tried a few times, didn't work, kept going 'till the point he realized things wouldn't really work. Great guy, brilliant, sexy...but, I didn't fall in love.  Ain't that some ish? Now, me? The 'fall-in-love-at-every-second girl dated a guy for a year that I didn't really fell in love for? Yes, I did.  Don't plan on doing it ever again.  None of us deserved that. I tried my best to love him more, but it just didn't happen while he was completely crazy over me.  You know what they say, "Girl, it's better when he loves you more" uh, no.  Maybe I just didn't love him enough, maybe I didn't love him at all. I don't know.  Anyways, he broke up with me.

Right after that I met this guy.  My age, extremely cute but in my head imature.  Not the kind of guy I'd have anything with, but oh well he was on me.  We went out a few times with me thinking nothing would happen, then boom.  I was blind.  Couldn't think of anything else but him.  Said he had been wanting me for a minute, said I was the girl for him... I mean, none of that was really necessary, it could be different if nothing was said.  Anyways, I did all I could.  I was comprehensive, I was his friend, I was friend of his friends, I was everything and more.  I did all I could, but in my heart something told me things were wrong and I started suffering.  We were the perfect couple.  'Till one day he said:  "I'm not in love with you!".  Just like that.  To my face.  I was confused, because you know everything was perfect, in my heart I knew something was wrong but I didn't really know what it was.  I don't think that was it.  I know it wasn't that.  He just didn't want me anymore.  All I felt for him and with him, we shared.  Many times he told me he felt something special, and I know he wasn't lying.  Then, from perfect things started going blurry.  He lied to me, I could sense he was different.  I could sense it was the end.  I mean had sensed before, my heart had told me to stop a long while ago but I couldn't stop.  I didn't know how to stop.  We had the most horrible fight, where he tried to throw it all at me, as if it was my fault, just as I didn't expect him.  We decided to remain together, but I couldn't.  At that point I had to listen to my heart and stop.  We stopped.  And I cried many, many nights.

Cried and cried.  Again, I had been lied to.  I had given the most sincere share of me and he just didn't know how to appreciatte.  Again, I didn't listen to my inner-voice saying "CAUTION!", I was blinded.  The hard part for me is to live with the fact I've hurt someone that really loves me, someone I never loved the way I wanted to, the way I prayed to.  To live with the fact I loved someone that didn't appreciatte me, didn't take advantage of the possibility of being honest with me and understanding I was ok with whatever it was, as long as it was the truth.  Turning the table and putting the blame on me, making me feel guilty and again, left aside.  It's fine to choose not to be with me, I've been through that... It's not fine to create a whole situation, say beautiful words, do kind stuff and not deal with the consequences.  Shit, I know I look tough. I am tough, but I have a soft heart.  I didn't want no ring, I don't need anything.  I just expected the truth because afterall, don't I deserve at least that?  You could have said you didn't want anything serious, you could've said you just wanted to have fun with me, that's no problem, I'd turn my 'having fun' mode on and we wouldn't have any issues.  But hey, you're 21 years-old and I charging you a man attitude, I guess you're just not there yet.

So, when it comes to me the whole cliché "What you don't do, do for love", hell no. What I don't do, I do for money! From now on that's how I work.  Sheeit. What I won't do, I do only for myself.  Na, I'm not serious.  I shall always do things for love, always. However, I'm first now.  I'm also second.  Then I'm third.  Because I know I won't take myself for granted.  I know I will be there for me when I need it.  And I know I can always expect anything from myself, because somehow, someway, I will get it. 

If I'm ok? Yes, I am. I'm still not fine, but I'm healing.  I'm not mad and I won't get bitter.  It's ok, I'm letting it go, as hard as that is for me.  I have my portion of responsibility, I know, so let's move on.  Again, I'm fine with myself because I have done all I could for it to work out.  I did things the best I could for everything go right, and things did go right.  No one is obliged to be with someone they don't want to, but they should at least say it.  Now I'm on that 'falling in love with myself' phase.  And I'm still that girl that will fall in love again as I turn around the corner.  I won't front, that's just who I am.  I fall in love everyday.  I fall in love with my friends, family, work... I fall in love with people's stories, I fall in love with small gestures of love... I simply love to fall in love.  I'm thankful for this experience and I wish him all the best.  It's a shame he didn't know how to appreciatte me because I'm a lot of woman.  I know that I will find many men willing to do what the stupid ones didn't know to, I know there are man willing to meet a girl like me and that's ok.  I hope he doesn't regret because although I still like him, I won't move backwards.  You don't get the chance to love me twice, sucka! It's like the lottery, once in life.

This week I go to Rio by myself, expecting to fall in love with myself some more... and maybe who knows, fall in love again with someone new! *sigh*That's just me man...let me be.

Seriously, my statement is:  What you won't do, do for the love of yourself.  Feel in the deepest spot of you heart, do whatever it is if your heart tells you that you should.  Don't do nothing just to please people, do whatever you got to do to please yourself first, then if it pleases other people good.  I'm not angry because even though I wasn't loyal to my heart's warning, I was loyal to its desire of love.  I did all I could, I did with my best and I loved him the most.  I had no fear, I had no masks, I had no second intentions, and when I saw him smile, or when I had him in my arms I knew I was pleasing myself first somehow because that was where I wanted to be, that's who I want to be with at that time. I'm just sad because once again, someone else was untrue to me.  I don't even know if he's being truthful to himself now, but whatever... tomorrow should be brighter, my smile should be bigger, the pain should be gone and this all should be forgotten and put into my dead file.  Sadly, that's what happens to my past, it dies. 


So,'What you won't do...' do for the love and sake of yourself.  Make yourself happy, because no one else will.  People can collaborate to our happiness but they won't provide it itself...

Just a way to get it out. I will be back with better stuff... this is just another chapter of my life that is going dead.

G. A.