Descobertas

Tenho prestado bastante atenção nas situações que vivo, nos padrões que se repetem, nas pessoas que tomam atitudes similares e nos mesmo sentimentos que são aflorados dentro de mim.  É um círculo vicioso.  Comecei a quebrar alguns movimentos que já haviam se tornados 'impensados', sabe? Pára pra prestar atenção e você vai ver que os problemas são sempre os mesmos, a dor é sempre aquelazinha, as situações são muitos similares, os lugares que você frequenta são iguais, as pessoas com quem você mantém vínculos são parecidas, os relacionamentos afetivos seguem um padrão linear de decepção, seu cabelo é igual, sua atitude a mesma ou seja, o resultado é não muda. Aquela regra: a ordem dos fatores NÃO altera os resultado. #fato  Sem mudança de fórmula, não há mudança de resultado. DÃR! Pois é. Tô mudando tudo. Mudei o cabelo radicalmente por sinal ~ uma das melhores mudanças que já fiz. E o mais interessante é ver as reações da pessoas, algumas são sinceras, outras não. Alguns se perguntam 'será que ela enlouqueceu?', outros dizem 'deve tá querendo atenção'. É divertido. Eu comecei com a mudança de cabelo, seguida de mudança de atitudes e questionamentos.  Hoje eu paro pra observar meu comportamento em relação à vida e à todos na busca por respostas em como alterar essa fórmulinha que tá falha.  Não me leve à mal, não sou de forma alguma ingrata ao que eu até agora obtive com a fórmulinha - mas o que tá tendo atualmente não agrada. Vou mudar somente aquilo que tá dando errado, vou mudar a postura, vou mudar a maneira de pensar e mais vou mudar a maneira de me comportar.  Não vou mudar de gosto musical! hahaha - Nesse instante eu estou bastante contente.  Amanhã embarco para o Canadá, família em peso reunida, casamento do meu irmão mais velho, visita aos familiares nos EUA.  Mudanças drásticas por vir... mas aí, só pra constar essência não se muda, portanto no fundo o mais importante de mim deve e com certeza vai permanecer.  Enquanto isso eu brinco de matemática e faço experimentações com fatores diferentes, para melhorar o resultado... because again, o que tá tendo não tá constando.

Peace out!

ao som de Asheru - Elevator Music - (somethings just never change - and that's one)

#Plenitude

"...Hoje de manhã,
Atravessando o mar
Vou me perder, vou me encontrar
A cada vento que soprar."

Nunca senti nada similar ao que sinto hoje.  #plenitude - É como que quero nomear essa fase da minha vida.  Nunca senti nada igual.  É acordar de manhã e sentir a alegria de estar viva; é chegar no trabalho e simplesmente viver aquilo, fazer da melhor forma e com toda a boa vontade e melhor intenção vinda do coração.  Profundo demais.  É tirar de toda e qualquer conversa algo de fruto, é apreciar cada pessoa, cada singularidade e unicidade das situações.  #gratidão - É o que eu sinto em todos os momentos da minha vida e é incrível a sensação - parece que milagres acontecem à cada segundo, parece que a vida dá justamente aquilo que preciso pra viver sem muita preocupação com o que vai acontecer no daqui a pouco.  É isso.  Vivo no presente! Eu não mais penso no amanhã, não me prendo ao passado - eu sigo.  Sigo feliz e inteira.  Com uma felicidade plena que eu nunca senti antes, crença inquestionável de que tudo simplesmente é, do jeito que tem que ser - da maneira que deve ser por uma razão maior. 

"...Sinceridade pra sentir a alma reluzir
os inimigo não vai me alcançar, não vai me pegar, não vai me tocar
nem me ofender, eles não pode me enxergar quem dirá me entender
eu sei que cada orixá vai me proteger
porque minhas rima são, oração de coração..."

E é assim que eu sigo, vivendo uma alegria e felicidade plenas que às vezes chegam a ser malucas.  Sorriso no rosto.  Entusiasmo na fala. Força no querer.  Verdade no dizer.  Indo. Vivendo. Fazendo.  Ciente de que a vida vai prover aquilo que eu quero, mereço, posso e preciso ter para ser a minha essência no mais profundo e completo sentido da palavra.  #ser é muito mais do que estar. #ser é único.  Não me leve a mal eu ainda sofro, choro e sinto sim que meu coração foi partido.  #passado - não me sinto metade.  Quando eu choro, sofro ou sinto qualquer coisa desagradável eu aceito, eu vivo aquilo, extraio o máximo de aprendizado possível, tento entender o que cada situação pode me trazer de aprendizado e me transformar em alguém melhor, em um ser que erra menos.  Mesmo assim, tenho uma amiga que compartilha algo comigo muito profundo, na dor, no choro, na solidão, agradecemos - porque poder sentir tudo isso é estar vivo, e não há nada mais valioso do que estar vivo. 

 "...Deixar o sofrimento lá atrás. É quente.
Quer saber o sentido da vida? 'Pá' frente.
Tô com a paciência de quem junta latinha,
Focado no que tenho, não no que vou ter ou tinha..."

A vida é algo inexplicável, ela diz.  Dá pra fazer tudo.  Dá pra criar oportunidades, alcançar objetivos, amar pessoas, conhecer coisas, adquirir conhecimento, compartilhar... ah Deus, como sou grata por ter me dado essas duas pessoas tão valiosas que eu amo tanto, cada dia mais e que compartilham sua essência comigo.  É lindo demais o que eu vivo e experiencio ao lado delas.  E adiante sigo.

"...Cada dia é uma chance para ser melhor do que ontem,
O sol prova isso quando cruz o horizonte, fonte que aquece e ilumina..."


 Tentando ser melhor do que fui no dia anterior, plantando sementes de verdade por onde passo, vivendo a verdade, sendo a verdade - seguindo meus #instintos e #desejos oriundos do coração porque aprendi que meu coração nunca vai me trair.  Ele pode até me fazer chorar, mas com certeza será porque eu preciso - há algo além, algo portrás, algo mais profundo envolvido ali e que com o coração aberto e confiança de que eu consigo qualquer coisa por mim mesma - extraio o melhor e sigo. 

"...Começa outro dia, o trem se desprende, vai
cheio de gente que deixou a alegria, stand by
com a essência da rua, no espírito amordaçado
quando eles perceber o poder que tem, cuidado!"

Que fique claro: vou tirar leite de pedra.  Fazer de qualquer oportunidade ouro.  De qualquer dor triunfo.  Desapegada de tudo.  De todos. Minha oração diária?

"...Clareza na idéia,
Pureza no coração
Sentimento como guia,
Honestidade como religião.
Sinceramente, é isso irmão."

É isso.  Quem trata com a verdade, lida com a verdade, recebe a verdade, vive a verdade, é a verdade... nada além.  Não existem surpresas quando se segue esse caminho.  Não existem dúvidas.  Não existe medo.  Não existe engano.  Não existe ilusão.  O caminho é esse.  Não lido mais com quem mente.  Não minto mais pra mim.  Minha verdade taí pra ser compartilhada - taí pra ser vista, lida, ouvida e sentida.  E assim espero que o mundo siga nesse rumo também - porque essa de ficar se enganando desvia a gente da real #plenitude de ser. Simples.

"...Sucesso na missão parceiro,
é ter paz quando por a cabeça no travesseiro..."

Entende?


Música:  "A cada vento" part. Paulo - by #EMICIDA

Desabafo

Acho que nosso amor tá morrendo. Na verdade não sei se um dia ele existiu.  Sei que em mim ele despertou, de uma maneira bruta, intensa, confusa e muito dolorosa.  Despertou como fruto dos beijos que você me deu, fruto dos momentos que passamos lado a lado. Não sei se houve amor da sua parte. Da minha é tudo o que houve.  Mas acho que morreu.  Ou será que eu estou tentando me convencer de que o matei? Acontece que pra mim não dá mais.  Chorei muito.  Viver o que eu vivi do seu lado, ouvir o que ouvi de você e passar o que eu passei depois, é incoerente.  Chega a ser triste porque o tempo todo doeu em mim e eu não entendia o porque.  Parecia que já sabia que ia acabar, que não era nossa hora, não era nós dois. Me revolta.  Fomos tão felizes juntos e simplesmente não pertenciamos um ao outro.  Eu tentei acreditar que voltaríamos.  Hoje eu tenho certeza de que esse dia não vai chegar.  Acho que você tá feliz, acho que não signifiquei nada na sua vida e mais ainda fui apenas uma aventura que te fez bem.  Eu não sou mulher pra aventura.  Mas era o que a vida tinha pro momento.  Me desculpa por tudo.  Sei que você tem se sentido incomodade com a minha aproximação em relação aos seus amigos, mas é que eles realmente me convidam pra tudo, mas à partir de hoje eu me retiro.  Eu quis muito fazer parte da sua vida, eu quis muito ser sua, quis muito dividir um pouco de mim com você, querendo que você dividisse um pouco de si comigo.  Me desculpa.  Eu não quis ser chata.  Mas é que realmente acreditei que estávamos juntos nessa empreitada.  Meu amor tá morrendo e eu rezo para conseguir enterra-lo em breve.  Não quero sofrer mais.  É triste te ver e nem ao menos receber um beijo no rosto com carinho, um olhar no olho e um "como você tá"sincero.  Me sinto usada, me sinto um troféu, sabe?  Me usou para curar uma ferida e abriu outra enorme em mim e você não sabe o quanto isso dói.  Mas você me conhece, não te desejo mal, nem nada... pelo contrário te desejo LUZ, SUCESSO, PAZ e muito AMOR.  Eu vou apagar você, eu vou de uma maneira que nunca mais vai haver resquício de nós em mim.  Tá demorando, mas voce tá ajudando.  Me machucando, minando nosso amor, minando o que vivemos e dividimos juntos.  Foi curto.  Mas foi muito.  Pra mim valeu. Quero você bem. Vou ficar bem tbm. Vai em paz.  Falar que sente é muito fácil, sentir de fato? Pra pouquíssimos.  Não brinque com a verdade, porque o que para você podem ser palavras para o outro podem ser sentimentos.

Following Through

After being in an emotionless relationship for one year I met this unique man.  Yes, I wrote about it.  That wasn't me though, it was my spoiled-little girl side.  Now it's the grown woman in me speaking.  So, he's not the type of guy you'd think is tough.  He looks like a young boy, he jokes as a young boy, but he is a man.  He'll be my man.  It's was crazy.  What we got is crazy.  Great connection, deep conversations, we can feel each other.  It's like, I can look at him and know exactly what he has to say or I can sense from far he's not ok.  It's deep.  I don't need to say anything else.  It's just perfect. However, he is 21 years-old and so am I.  He said he'd marry me, I know he would because that's just how it feels.  Feels as if I could spend the rest of my life with him.  We laugh hard together, we talk serious, we admire each other and we want to be together.

About two years ago, at the same time of the year I fell in love.  I don't know if it was love or just an infatuation.  The thing is, I'm intense.  I feel things deeply and to the tip of my toes.  At that time though, the situation was different.  Dude didn't like me, dude liked who I was, how I was and the way I was phisically.  Making things short, I went through a very defying situation where I ended up extremely hurt and I didn't know how to deal with it.  I broke up with that nigga, but still I was broken inside. Dude lied, dude used me, dude left me hanging and at that time I had no one to count on. I was lost. So when this guy came around, bringing me some emotions I hadn't felt in a year of serious relationship, I got worried.  Everything we did had no limits, we put no limits to each other, we were going fast and forgot to stop and think where exaclty we wanted to get to.  We 21 though, we can do shit like that. And I don't blame any of us because all we did, we did with the heart and no intention of hurting each other even though throughout the way we had sensed something was coming at us.  We called it: probation.  We thought we were living a probation time, both of us kind of suffered somehow while together, some agony, some anxiety that we couldn't explain.  We felt something was going to come and break us apart, and we called it: probation.  We thought we were living a probation.  Never had we ocurred it hadn't even started. 

We had many conversations about us, they were all very meaninful.  Until one day, at our most perfect moment we had our first and only fight.  Boom, just like that.  I know he lied, I know I put some pressure in him.  I take reponsibility for my share and I think he does for his.  It was our end.  I put an end to us.  He needed that and didn't know how to do it.  So I did it.  My heart told me to do it.  And now we're apart.  Ask me why and I'll say it just isn't the time for us.  We had a glimpse of what we can possibly live in the future, and period.  I did some stuff that hurt him, he said some stuff that hurt me but still we can't be mad at each other.  I generally kill my ex-boyfriends, affairs, whatever you want to call it, but him? Oh no, I can't.  He helps me to find peace when I don't know how to.  I was hurt he said he couldn't be with me right now.  He said to my face he had no infatuation for me, what he feels is love, but right now he ain't down to live it.  And I was mad, thinking he had to explain why and whatever and he doesn't have.  It's enough.  He's honest.  He said he can't give me what I deserve right now, he doesn't want to lose or spoil what we have, so he prefer us to be apart.  At the same time, I need this.  I need air.  I was in a relationship for one year.  I need to remind myself of who I am when I'm single. So, now I think is the real probation. 

I mean, I said I was going to forget but my heart won't allow me.  I don't want to.  He's much of a man.  I mean, he had the nerve of saying he couldn't be there for me so he prefered to not be there at all.  I can't define.  I mean, we're friends, we talk from time to time and we're not together.  I was hurt, but now I'm ok.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to wait, or if I wanted to move on but it's not a matter of choosing.  I'm going wherever my heart takes me, even if that means I'll get hurt at the end.  I mean, I'll do what I believe is the most truthful to myself.  This man showed me so much in so little. I know it's not only him, it's me too.  This is pushing me so much forward.  Yes, I cried night after night, I still cry sometimes but I'm learning so much.  Learning there's no right or wrong.  I was scared I'd b juged by people for simply putting out there how I feel for someone new or for the fact I let someone hold my hand and introduce me to hell and heaven saying I was his.  Shoot, don't I want to be his.  At this moment I'm at peace, know why? Because it doesn't matter what happens, the real challenge is to believe my heart and do whatever it tells me to do.  The consequences out of that will be the ones I need to go through.  Doesn't matter if bad or good, if I do what my heart tells me, at the end of it all I'll be fine.

Today I talked to him, and I could feel in his voice how tired he is.  Tired of dealing with my lack of trust and understanding.  I really do that sometimes.  Still, he understands me.  I'll be more understanding from today on.  I could sense in his voice he doesn't want to hurt me and how good it felt when he said he also feels the way I feel for him, except the infatuation. Which is not serious. 

Now I count on patience and faith.  Faith that my heart will take me where I want to get to.  I won't pray to God to bring him to me, I'll pray to be at peace and joy at all times.  Whether that's with him or not, I don't mind.  I just want to be at peace with myself, at peace with my heart.

I decided I'll fight for him, but not fight.  I'll be open in case things decide to move that way, in case my heart tells me to call him, or message him I won't be really wondering how that would make me look... I'm strong enough to deal with my choices and I know my heart won't disguise me.

If I have to go through it, I will, but I will do it with my heart, my body and soul because that's the only way I know how to do things.  If I have to go through it, I will do it at my best, because afterall something good has to come out of it.  Maybe a beautiful love story, maybe a fantastic friendship, maybe, just maybe a more grown and mature Gii, because that's how I already feel.  I feel as if I'm again having a re-birth moment.  That's me, I have a re-birth moment every now and then.

So now watch me on my saga to make this man, mine!

And I will.

What you won't do, do for love?

It's Saturday night, for some reason I'm at home thinking I'd be going to bed soon when a friend comes with a song suggestion: Bobby Caldwell - "What you won't do, do for love" - and I was like 'whoa'. At this point? Please.  I mean ok, let me start from the beggining.

Few months ago I fell in love, yes, again. I mean, if you know me, you know I shall fall in love many many times in my life.  At least I already know that.  Each and everytime it happens it feels different, it makes me feel different.  This time, wow. Again, let me go back to the beggining.

After being in a relationship for almost a year I had decided I was only going to enjoy life and do things different.  My ex broke up with me because I had no strenght to.  I mean, I had tried a few times, didn't work, kept going 'till the point he realized things wouldn't really work. Great guy, brilliant, sexy...but, I didn't fall in love.  Ain't that some ish? Now, me? The 'fall-in-love-at-every-second girl dated a guy for a year that I didn't really fell in love for? Yes, I did.  Don't plan on doing it ever again.  None of us deserved that. I tried my best to love him more, but it just didn't happen while he was completely crazy over me.  You know what they say, "Girl, it's better when he loves you more" uh, no.  Maybe I just didn't love him enough, maybe I didn't love him at all. I don't know.  Anyways, he broke up with me.

Right after that I met this guy.  My age, extremely cute but in my head imature.  Not the kind of guy I'd have anything with, but oh well he was on me.  We went out a few times with me thinking nothing would happen, then boom.  I was blind.  Couldn't think of anything else but him.  Said he had been wanting me for a minute, said I was the girl for him... I mean, none of that was really necessary, it could be different if nothing was said.  Anyways, I did all I could.  I was comprehensive, I was his friend, I was friend of his friends, I was everything and more.  I did all I could, but in my heart something told me things were wrong and I started suffering.  We were the perfect couple.  'Till one day he said:  "I'm not in love with you!".  Just like that.  To my face.  I was confused, because you know everything was perfect, in my heart I knew something was wrong but I didn't really know what it was.  I don't think that was it.  I know it wasn't that.  He just didn't want me anymore.  All I felt for him and with him, we shared.  Many times he told me he felt something special, and I know he wasn't lying.  Then, from perfect things started going blurry.  He lied to me, I could sense he was different.  I could sense it was the end.  I mean had sensed before, my heart had told me to stop a long while ago but I couldn't stop.  I didn't know how to stop.  We had the most horrible fight, where he tried to throw it all at me, as if it was my fault, just as I didn't expect him.  We decided to remain together, but I couldn't.  At that point I had to listen to my heart and stop.  We stopped.  And I cried many, many nights.

Cried and cried.  Again, I had been lied to.  I had given the most sincere share of me and he just didn't know how to appreciatte.  Again, I didn't listen to my inner-voice saying "CAUTION!", I was blinded.  The hard part for me is to live with the fact I've hurt someone that really loves me, someone I never loved the way I wanted to, the way I prayed to.  To live with the fact I loved someone that didn't appreciatte me, didn't take advantage of the possibility of being honest with me and understanding I was ok with whatever it was, as long as it was the truth.  Turning the table and putting the blame on me, making me feel guilty and again, left aside.  It's fine to choose not to be with me, I've been through that... It's not fine to create a whole situation, say beautiful words, do kind stuff and not deal with the consequences.  Shit, I know I look tough. I am tough, but I have a soft heart.  I didn't want no ring, I don't need anything.  I just expected the truth because afterall, don't I deserve at least that?  You could have said you didn't want anything serious, you could've said you just wanted to have fun with me, that's no problem, I'd turn my 'having fun' mode on and we wouldn't have any issues.  But hey, you're 21 years-old and I charging you a man attitude, I guess you're just not there yet.

So, when it comes to me the whole cliché "What you don't do, do for love", hell no. What I don't do, I do for money! From now on that's how I work.  Sheeit. What I won't do, I do only for myself.  Na, I'm not serious.  I shall always do things for love, always. However, I'm first now.  I'm also second.  Then I'm third.  Because I know I won't take myself for granted.  I know I will be there for me when I need it.  And I know I can always expect anything from myself, because somehow, someway, I will get it. 

If I'm ok? Yes, I am. I'm still not fine, but I'm healing.  I'm not mad and I won't get bitter.  It's ok, I'm letting it go, as hard as that is for me.  I have my portion of responsibility, I know, so let's move on.  Again, I'm fine with myself because I have done all I could for it to work out.  I did things the best I could for everything go right, and things did go right.  No one is obliged to be with someone they don't want to, but they should at least say it.  Now I'm on that 'falling in love with myself' phase.  And I'm still that girl that will fall in love again as I turn around the corner.  I won't front, that's just who I am.  I fall in love everyday.  I fall in love with my friends, family, work... I fall in love with people's stories, I fall in love with small gestures of love... I simply love to fall in love.  I'm thankful for this experience and I wish him all the best.  It's a shame he didn't know how to appreciatte me because I'm a lot of woman.  I know that I will find many men willing to do what the stupid ones didn't know to, I know there are man willing to meet a girl like me and that's ok.  I hope he doesn't regret because although I still like him, I won't move backwards.  You don't get the chance to love me twice, sucka! It's like the lottery, once in life.

This week I go to Rio by myself, expecting to fall in love with myself some more... and maybe who knows, fall in love again with someone new! *sigh*That's just me man...let me be.

Seriously, my statement is:  What you won't do, do for the love of yourself.  Feel in the deepest spot of you heart, do whatever it is if your heart tells you that you should.  Don't do nothing just to please people, do whatever you got to do to please yourself first, then if it pleases other people good.  I'm not angry because even though I wasn't loyal to my heart's warning, I was loyal to its desire of love.  I did all I could, I did with my best and I loved him the most.  I had no fear, I had no masks, I had no second intentions, and when I saw him smile, or when I had him in my arms I knew I was pleasing myself first somehow because that was where I wanted to be, that's who I want to be with at that time. I'm just sad because once again, someone else was untrue to me.  I don't even know if he's being truthful to himself now, but whatever... tomorrow should be brighter, my smile should be bigger, the pain should be gone and this all should be forgotten and put into my dead file.  Sadly, that's what happens to my past, it dies. 


So,'What you won't do...' do for the love and sake of yourself.  Make yourself happy, because no one else will.  People can collaborate to our happiness but they won't provide it itself...

Just a way to get it out. I will be back with better stuff... this is just another chapter of my life that is going dead.

G. A.