What you won't do, do for love?

It's Saturday night, for some reason I'm at home thinking I'd be going to bed soon when a friend comes with a song suggestion: Bobby Caldwell - "What you won't do, do for love" - and I was like 'whoa'. At this point? Please.  I mean ok, let me start from the beggining.

Few months ago I fell in love, yes, again. I mean, if you know me, you know I shall fall in love many many times in my life.  At least I already know that.  Each and everytime it happens it feels different, it makes me feel different.  This time, wow. Again, let me go back to the beggining.

After being in a relationship for almost a year I had decided I was only going to enjoy life and do things different.  My ex broke up with me because I had no strenght to.  I mean, I had tried a few times, didn't work, kept going 'till the point he realized things wouldn't really work. Great guy, brilliant, sexy...but, I didn't fall in love.  Ain't that some ish? Now, me? The 'fall-in-love-at-every-second girl dated a guy for a year that I didn't really fell in love for? Yes, I did.  Don't plan on doing it ever again.  None of us deserved that. I tried my best to love him more, but it just didn't happen while he was completely crazy over me.  You know what they say, "Girl, it's better when he loves you more" uh, no.  Maybe I just didn't love him enough, maybe I didn't love him at all. I don't know.  Anyways, he broke up with me.

Right after that I met this guy.  My age, extremely cute but in my head imature.  Not the kind of guy I'd have anything with, but oh well he was on me.  We went out a few times with me thinking nothing would happen, then boom.  I was blind.  Couldn't think of anything else but him.  Said he had been wanting me for a minute, said I was the girl for him... I mean, none of that was really necessary, it could be different if nothing was said.  Anyways, I did all I could.  I was comprehensive, I was his friend, I was friend of his friends, I was everything and more.  I did all I could, but in my heart something told me things were wrong and I started suffering.  We were the perfect couple.  'Till one day he said:  "I'm not in love with you!".  Just like that.  To my face.  I was confused, because you know everything was perfect, in my heart I knew something was wrong but I didn't really know what it was.  I don't think that was it.  I know it wasn't that.  He just didn't want me anymore.  All I felt for him and with him, we shared.  Many times he told me he felt something special, and I know he wasn't lying.  Then, from perfect things started going blurry.  He lied to me, I could sense he was different.  I could sense it was the end.  I mean had sensed before, my heart had told me to stop a long while ago but I couldn't stop.  I didn't know how to stop.  We had the most horrible fight, where he tried to throw it all at me, as if it was my fault, just as I didn't expect him.  We decided to remain together, but I couldn't.  At that point I had to listen to my heart and stop.  We stopped.  And I cried many, many nights.

Cried and cried.  Again, I had been lied to.  I had given the most sincere share of me and he just didn't know how to appreciatte.  Again, I didn't listen to my inner-voice saying "CAUTION!", I was blinded.  The hard part for me is to live with the fact I've hurt someone that really loves me, someone I never loved the way I wanted to, the way I prayed to.  To live with the fact I loved someone that didn't appreciatte me, didn't take advantage of the possibility of being honest with me and understanding I was ok with whatever it was, as long as it was the truth.  Turning the table and putting the blame on me, making me feel guilty and again, left aside.  It's fine to choose not to be with me, I've been through that... It's not fine to create a whole situation, say beautiful words, do kind stuff and not deal with the consequences.  Shit, I know I look tough. I am tough, but I have a soft heart.  I didn't want no ring, I don't need anything.  I just expected the truth because afterall, don't I deserve at least that?  You could have said you didn't want anything serious, you could've said you just wanted to have fun with me, that's no problem, I'd turn my 'having fun' mode on and we wouldn't have any issues.  But hey, you're 21 years-old and I charging you a man attitude, I guess you're just not there yet.

So, when it comes to me the whole cliché "What you don't do, do for love", hell no. What I don't do, I do for money! From now on that's how I work.  Sheeit. What I won't do, I do only for myself.  Na, I'm not serious.  I shall always do things for love, always. However, I'm first now.  I'm also second.  Then I'm third.  Because I know I won't take myself for granted.  I know I will be there for me when I need it.  And I know I can always expect anything from myself, because somehow, someway, I will get it. 

If I'm ok? Yes, I am. I'm still not fine, but I'm healing.  I'm not mad and I won't get bitter.  It's ok, I'm letting it go, as hard as that is for me.  I have my portion of responsibility, I know, so let's move on.  Again, I'm fine with myself because I have done all I could for it to work out.  I did things the best I could for everything go right, and things did go right.  No one is obliged to be with someone they don't want to, but they should at least say it.  Now I'm on that 'falling in love with myself' phase.  And I'm still that girl that will fall in love again as I turn around the corner.  I won't front, that's just who I am.  I fall in love everyday.  I fall in love with my friends, family, work... I fall in love with people's stories, I fall in love with small gestures of love... I simply love to fall in love.  I'm thankful for this experience and I wish him all the best.  It's a shame he didn't know how to appreciatte me because I'm a lot of woman.  I know that I will find many men willing to do what the stupid ones didn't know to, I know there are man willing to meet a girl like me and that's ok.  I hope he doesn't regret because although I still like him, I won't move backwards.  You don't get the chance to love me twice, sucka! It's like the lottery, once in life.

This week I go to Rio by myself, expecting to fall in love with myself some more... and maybe who knows, fall in love again with someone new! *sigh*That's just me man...let me be.

Seriously, my statement is:  What you won't do, do for the love of yourself.  Feel in the deepest spot of you heart, do whatever it is if your heart tells you that you should.  Don't do nothing just to please people, do whatever you got to do to please yourself first, then if it pleases other people good.  I'm not angry because even though I wasn't loyal to my heart's warning, I was loyal to its desire of love.  I did all I could, I did with my best and I loved him the most.  I had no fear, I had no masks, I had no second intentions, and when I saw him smile, or when I had him in my arms I knew I was pleasing myself first somehow because that was where I wanted to be, that's who I want to be with at that time. I'm just sad because once again, someone else was untrue to me.  I don't even know if he's being truthful to himself now, but whatever... tomorrow should be brighter, my smile should be bigger, the pain should be gone and this all should be forgotten and put into my dead file.  Sadly, that's what happens to my past, it dies. 


So,'What you won't do...' do for the love and sake of yourself.  Make yourself happy, because no one else will.  People can collaborate to our happiness but they won't provide it itself...

Just a way to get it out. I will be back with better stuff... this is just another chapter of my life that is going dead.

G. A.