After being in an emotionless relationship for one year I met this unique man. Yes, I wrote about it. That wasn't me though, it was my spoiled-little girl side. Now it's the grown woman in me speaking. So, he's not the type of guy you'd think is tough. He looks like a young boy, he jokes as a young boy, but he is a man. He'll be my man. It's was crazy. What we got is crazy. Great connection, deep conversations, we can feel each other. It's like, I can look at him and know exactly what he has to say or I can sense from far he's not ok. It's deep. I don't need to say anything else. It's just perfect. However, he is 21 years-old and so am I. He said he'd marry me, I know he would because that's just how it feels. Feels as if I could spend the rest of my life with him. We laugh hard together, we talk serious, we admire each other and we want to be together.
About two years ago, at the same time of the year I fell in love. I don't know if it was love or just an infatuation. The thing is, I'm intense. I feel things deeply and to the tip of my toes. At that time though, the situation was different. Dude didn't like me, dude liked who I was, how I was and the way I was phisically. Making things short, I went through a very defying situation where I ended up extremely hurt and I didn't know how to deal with it. I broke up with that nigga, but still I was broken inside. Dude lied, dude used me, dude left me hanging and at that time I had no one to count on. I was lost. So when this guy came around, bringing me some emotions I hadn't felt in a year of serious relationship, I got worried. Everything we did had no limits, we put no limits to each other, we were going fast and forgot to stop and think where exaclty we wanted to get to. We 21 though, we can do shit like that. And I don't blame any of us because all we did, we did with the heart and no intention of hurting each other even though throughout the way we had sensed something was coming at us. We called it: probation. We thought we were living a probation time, both of us kind of suffered somehow while together, some agony, some anxiety that we couldn't explain. We felt something was going to come and break us apart, and we called it: probation. We thought we were living a probation. Never had we ocurred it hadn't even started.
We had many conversations about us, they were all very meaninful. Until one day, at our most perfect moment we had our first and only fight. Boom, just like that. I know he lied, I know I put some pressure in him. I take reponsibility for my share and I think he does for his. It was our end. I put an end to us. He needed that and didn't know how to do it. So I did it. My heart told me to do it. And now we're apart. Ask me why and I'll say it just isn't the time for us. We had a glimpse of what we can possibly live in the future, and period. I did some stuff that hurt him, he said some stuff that hurt me but still we can't be mad at each other. I generally kill my ex-boyfriends, affairs, whatever you want to call it, but him? Oh no, I can't. He helps me to find peace when I don't know how to. I was hurt he said he couldn't be with me right now. He said to my face he had no infatuation for me, what he feels is love, but right now he ain't down to live it. And I was mad, thinking he had to explain why and whatever and he doesn't have. It's enough. He's honest. He said he can't give me what I deserve right now, he doesn't want to lose or spoil what we have, so he prefer us to be apart. At the same time, I need this. I need air. I was in a relationship for one year. I need to remind myself of who I am when I'm single. So, now I think is the real probation.
I mean, I said I was going to forget but my heart won't allow me. I don't want to. He's much of a man. I mean, he had the nerve of saying he couldn't be there for me so he prefered to not be there at all. I can't define. I mean, we're friends, we talk from time to time and we're not together. I was hurt, but now I'm ok. I wasn't sure if I wanted to wait, or if I wanted to move on but it's not a matter of choosing. I'm going wherever my heart takes me, even if that means I'll get hurt at the end. I mean, I'll do what I believe is the most truthful to myself. This man showed me so much in so little. I know it's not only him, it's me too. This is pushing me so much forward. Yes, I cried night after night, I still cry sometimes but I'm learning so much. Learning there's no right or wrong. I was scared I'd b juged by people for simply putting out there how I feel for someone new or for the fact I let someone hold my hand and introduce me to hell and heaven saying I was his. Shoot, don't I want to be his. At this moment I'm at peace, know why? Because it doesn't matter what happens, the real challenge is to believe my heart and do whatever it tells me to do. The consequences out of that will be the ones I need to go through. Doesn't matter if bad or good, if I do what my heart tells me, at the end of it all I'll be fine.
Today I talked to him, and I could feel in his voice how tired he is. Tired of dealing with my lack of trust and understanding. I really do that sometimes. Still, he understands me. I'll be more understanding from today on. I could sense in his voice he doesn't want to hurt me and how good it felt when he said he also feels the way I feel for him, except the infatuation. Which is not serious.
Now I count on patience and faith. Faith that my heart will take me where I want to get to. I won't pray to God to bring him to me, I'll pray to be at peace and joy at all times. Whether that's with him or not, I don't mind. I just want to be at peace with myself, at peace with my heart.
I decided I'll fight for him, but not fight. I'll be open in case things decide to move that way, in case my heart tells me to call him, or message him I won't be really wondering how that would make me look... I'm strong enough to deal with my choices and I know my heart won't disguise me.
If I have to go through it, I will, but I will do it with my heart, my body and soul because that's the only way I know how to do things. If I have to go through it, I will do it at my best, because afterall something good has to come out of it. Maybe a beautiful love story, maybe a fantastic friendship, maybe, just maybe a more grown and mature Gii, because that's how I already feel. I feel as if I'm again having a re-birth moment. That's me, I have a re-birth moment every now and then.
So now watch me on my saga to make this man, mine!
And I will.
Livros Livros 2014
11 years ago
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